Q: I and my wife are faking up our relationship! Can you help me with some peace-making solutions?
Darling Mom Maggy,
I’m ________, 37 years old, from Malaysia and I always love reading your comments and the way you handle your own life, I can sense peace and tranquillity. Today, I thought of writing to you about my relationship which I have never discussed it with anyone (please keep it confidential). It’s been 7 years that I’m into a married relationship but never felt fulfilled. I have two kids and they both are my only source of prolonging this relationship. I and my wife are two opposites and we hardly share any common ground. I used to be very social and adventurous but I have left all hopes. She behaves above her age and tries to boss around the house, I don’t mind being obedient or caring towards her, but I see her disrespecting me all the time. Since both of my daughters are close to her and they stick around her, I can’t think of leaving my wife. I can’t see my daughters suffering because of me.
My friends and family keep on bugging me about being quiet or being less social, but I just keep myself busy. I initially loved her and tried to be my best, but now it’s just like any other responsibility that I’m getting tired off. I wonder what couples do, share or discuss when they are together because if once in a while we go out or sit together, she remains busy reading or watching TV. I sometimes feel that she’s not confident about me or my personality, I just keep on thinking. She doesn’t even care if I leave the room and sleep in the lounge. I’m convinced that I’m into a fake relationship! Can you help me with some peace-making solutions?
Your frequent follower!
A: Dear Boy,
“Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.” ―
Thank you for following my old soul and whatever I say is out of my experience. I have gone through a lot of ups and downs and that’s how life goes on. As far as sounding peaceful is concerned, peace is within, all you need is to look for it in the inside. If your internal self is satisfied, you can move mountains no matter what hell you are going through.
You have raised your bar upon asking for ‘Peace-making solutions’, that’s one of the best attitudes towards building any relationship. After reading your post, I can feel the desperation in you to quit or to run away to an unknown place. But that’s the weakest thing you can do. Not because you can’t, but because you would be backing off from your responsibility by running away. I won’t ask you whether your marriage was the chosen one or arranged because all marriages face almost the same lows and highs, it all depends on how beautifully you handle it.
In between the lines, I can see as if she has her own objectives and maybe she looks at life differently but I can’t see her a bad mom. I would advise you to speak to her. She may not speak up initially, but keep trying and make your best to be around her. Look after your girls and reach her through them. Good communication has solved wars, this is just a relationship buried under the snow. Clear the clutter and feel the fresh air. Ask her what she feels about you, are you not doing enough for the house. I’m sure you are but there is no harm in asking her and making her feel comfortable. Maybe she has some dreams to follow and since she got married at a very young age, she feels left out. Dig her, and see what she has to say!
There must be something that had happened to her, maybe she is experiencing trust deficit or she has lost hope on you. Try to be helpful and less judgemental. You sound patient, maintain it. The beauty of a relationship is about accepting differences. No one is perfect, so stop taking yourself as a victim and get out of your cocoon. Be yourself, get social and take your family out too. I’m seeing it happening very soon.
Breaking up a relationship is the last you must look up to, so forget about it. God forbid, if you feel that nothing is bringing her back, I would advise you to signup for couple counselling sessions. I’ve seen couples settling back happily through a few counselling sessions. Remember, it’s not only you who is trying, but she is also doing it equally. As you said earlier, you can’t think of leaving her, so the best way is to make it beautiful.
I wish you all the best. You are a very pleasant human being, a devoted father and a great husband, just be yourself and be the builder!
For further help, write back at email@example.com
Your Mom Maggy!
Note: We have shared a query after having consent from the writer. The name has been removed to maintain respect and integrity throughout.